A little more humour perhaps
Here is some more of what you have come to expect from the previous page.
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical
A special circuit in the machine called a critical detector, senses
the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she
is to use the machine.
The critical detector then creates a malfunction proportional to
the desperation of the operator.
Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation.
Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it also to
malfunction - they belong to the same union!
Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to
work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
Now you have time
The management regret that is has come to their attention that Employees
dying on the job are failing to fall down.
This practice must stop as it becomes impossible to distinguish between
Death and natural movement of the staff.
Any Employee found dead in an upright position will be dropped from the
Christmas Fruitcake Recipe
|1 cup Butter
||1 cup Sugar
||4 Large Eggs
|1 cup Dried Fruit
||1 Tsp B/Powder
||1 Tsp B/Soda
|1 Tsp Salt
||1 Cup Brown Sugar
||2 Bottles Scotch Whisky 750ml
Before you start, sample the Whisky to check for quality. Select a large
mixing bowl, measuring cup, and teaspoon - lay these out on your work area.
Sample the Whisky again as it must be just right. To be sure that the
Whisky is of the highest quality, pour one cup into a glass and drink it
as fast as you can. Repeat if necessary.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
one teaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile make sure the Whisky is
of the highest quality. Cry another cup. Open second bottle if necessary.
Add two arge legges, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets
stuck in the beaters, just prybloose with a drewscriver. Sample the Whisky
again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift three cups of salt, or
anything that's handy. Sample Whisky again.
Sift a pint of lemon luice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add
one babblespoon of brown sugar - or whatever colour you can find - and wix
well. Grease oven and cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess in
the coven and ake.
Check the Whisky for the final time and bo to ged.
Ways to know you're growing older
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is the sun hitting your bi-focals.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in MD.
You get winded playing cards.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable urge.
You have all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find your glasses.
Your favourite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today".
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
You're 17 round the neck, 42 round the waist, and 95 round the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You put your bra on back to front and find that it fits better.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
The little old grey haired lady you help across the road is your wife.
You have too much room in the house not enough in your medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Your birthday cake collapses under the weight of candles.
You get all your exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends.
Decisions - Decisions
This is the story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and
Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that
Somebody would do it. Anybody counld have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody
thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't
do it. It ended up that everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done.
My wordprocessor has a good spell checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew. - thank you
From the church notice board
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help
Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer, the many who are sick of our church and community
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
The rosebud on the communion table this morning, is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belcher, the sin of Rev & Mrs Julius Belcher.
This afternoon the will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
Tuesday at 4.00pm there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving
milk please come early.
Thursday at 5.00pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
willing to become little mothers, please see the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an
egg on the communion table.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come
forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the church basement on Friday.
You know you work in the new millenium if...
You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro
Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket
You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise
You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job
Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World
countries annual budgets combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet
The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art
laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while
yours powers up.
Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital
You're already late on the assignment you just got
There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department is short of, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
Your boss's favourite lines are:
When you've got a few minutes
Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you
get in January
Could you fit this in
In your spare time
When you're freed up
I know you're busy but
I have an opportunity for you
Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because
someone you didn't know had started is leaving
You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving'
Your relatives and family describe your job as 'works with
The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures
are on your desk
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
You read this entire list, kept nodding and you understood it.
If you seriously insist, there is still more on the next page
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Last updated: February 23rd, 2012
Published by: Lichfield Web Design