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    Welcome - HELLO and

A little more more humour perhaps

Here is some more of what you have come to expect from the earlier pages.

Important Announcement

The Council of the European Community Commissioners has announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k'. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more complikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replsing 'th' by 'z', and 'w' by 'v', and 'y' with 'i', with yet anozer leter dropd from ze kiboard.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz ier, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Thank you Cheryl Russell, on mission in Mexico

Rush Jobs

We Undertake...
To do your extremely urgent rush jobs immediately, even if it means stopping the very urgent rush job that came in while the previous rush job was still in progress.

We guarantee...
To complete your rush job on time - as long as a life or death rush job does not come in. Standard Rates apply:-
Life or Death 20% extra
Extremely Urgent 15% extra
Very Urgent 10% extra
Urgent 5% extra

We would be pleased if you could rush round to collect your rush job as soon as we have rushed to finish it, as we seem to have a lot of rush jobs hanging around the floor.

If you could rush round to pay on completion we would be most considerate toward your next rush job.

Sorry I was late

I would have got this to you sooner but my optimal bottom line parameters failed to vertically integrate with the phase two maximum paradigm while implementing real-time, multi-functional simulations resulting in a non-viable utilisation strategy vis--vis project goals and prioritised communications objectives.

Thought for the day

They said it couldn't be done - so I didn't do it

We are trying out some new Window messages for Microsoft

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
4. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del twice for IQ test
6. Close your eyes and press Esc three times
7. Bad command or file name! Go and stand in the corner
8. This will end your Windows session. Play again?
9. Windows: 'Mistake! Shall I format your brain?'
10. God: 'Rebooting universe, please log out'
11. Keyboard not attached - press F1 to continue
12. Breakfast.sys halted .... Cereal Port not responding
13. Coffee.sys missing .... Insert cup and press any key
14. Commons.sys corrupted .... Re-boot Downing Street? (Y/N)
15. File not found - should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse driver .... Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User
18. Error reading FAT record .... try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 547:LPT1 not found .. use backup .. PENCIL & PAPER
20. User Error: .... replace user
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - OS/2 found: .. remove it? (Y/Y)
22. Backup not found: .... (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
23. Yesterday it worked .. today it doesn't .. Windows is like that!
24. Kernel error at 624B:19AD .. nut missing .. searching for Shell program
25. Java Error .. sunk
26. Corrupt or missing Brain.sys
27. Windows: 'Can't find file! I've hidden it .. bet you can't find it'

Apologies to Microsoft

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.

St. Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out and then let me know your decision.

Bill has a look around heaven. Lots of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord. He goes down to Hell. There he sees beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand and attractive women. Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St. Peter.

Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.

St. Peter: No worries. You've got it.

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out.

Gates: Hey! St. Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?

St. Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version.

Regrettably - more to come. If you want to post one of your own here, send it by E-Mail to: tonyc.co.uk - and I will give you a credit for effort. Please note, I can only use them if they are "suitable".

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Last updated: February 3rd, 2018
Published by:  Lichfield Web Design