This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need
A special circuit in the machine called a critical detector, senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use the machine.
The critical detector then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator.
Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it also to malfunction - they belong to the same union!
Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
The management regret that is has come to their attention that Employees dying on the job are failing to fall down.
This practice must stop as it becomes impossible to distinguish between Death and natural movement of the staff.
Any Employee found dead in an upright position will be dropped from the payroll.
|1 cup Butter||1 cup Sugar||4 Large Eggs|
|1 cup Dried Fruit||1 Tsp B/Powder||1 Tsp B/Soda|
|1 Tsp Salt||Lemon Juice||1 Cup Brown Sugar|
|Nuts||2 Bottles Scotch Whisky 750ml|
Before you start, sample the Whisky to check for quality. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, and teaspoon - lay these out on your work area. Sample the Whisky again as it must be just right. To be sure that the Whisky is of the highest quality, pour one cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat if necessary.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile make sure the Whisky is of the highest quality. Cry another cup. Open second bottle if necessary.
Add two arge legges, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in the beaters, just prybloose with a drewscriver. Sample the Whisky again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift three cups of salt, or anything that's handy. Sample Whisky again.
Sift a pint of lemon luice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown sugar - or whatever colour you can find - and wix well. Grease oven and cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess in the coven and ake.
Check the Whisky for the final time and bo to ged.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is the sun hitting your bi-focals.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in MD.
You get winded playing cards.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable urge.
You have all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find your glasses.
Your favourite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today".
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
You're 17 round the neck, 42 round the waist, and 95 round the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You put your bra on back to front and find that it fits better.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
The little old grey haired lady you help across the road is your wife.
You have too much room in the house not enough in your medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Your birthday cake collapses under the weight of candles.
You get all your exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends.
This is the story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody counld have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew. - thank you Alan Shaw
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help
Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer, the many who are sick of our church and community
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the communion table this morning, is to announce the birth of David Alan Belcher, the sin of Rev & Mrs Julius Belcher.
This afternoon the will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
Tuesday at 4.00pm there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
Thursday at 5.00pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All willing to become little mothers, please see the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the communion table.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro
Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket
You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise
You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job
Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet
The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital
You're already late on the assignment you just got
There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
Your boss's favourite lines are:When you've got a few minutesHoliday is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get in January
Could you fit this in
In your spare time
When you're freed up
I know you're busy but
I have an opportunity for you
Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving
You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection
Your relatives and family describe your job as 'works with computers'
The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desk
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
You read this entire list, kept nodding and you understood it.