A little humour perhaps
This page is designed to generally waste your time and seeks to make
your day a little easier.
A little limerick to start you off
Said a tiny ant to the elephant,
Mind how you tread in this clearing,
But alas cruel fate,
She was crushed by the weight ,
of an elephant hard of hearing.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts - "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30
feet above this field."
"You must work in engineering." says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me
is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man on the ground says, "You must be a corporate manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or
where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the
same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
How To Bathe A Cat
(Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in
Wilmington, NZ. He writes a column for the Morning Star called
"From Paws to Tails.")
Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat:
Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be
bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in
their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound
believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odours
on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth.
Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give
"Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington
Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client
gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing
which I am privileged to share with you:
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
A: Know that although the cat has the advantage of
quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have
the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.
Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force
you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding
-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.
(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk
cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than
a politician can shift positions.)
B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to
remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here
is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect
I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat
nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish.
(Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have
little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door,
step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip
the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
You have now begun one of the longest and wildest 45 seconds of your life.
E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has
soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded.
Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three
seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby
rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three
latherings, so don't expect too much.)
F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always
assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans
generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just
getting really determined.
In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have
just been through.
That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to
your right leg.
You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your
towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up
clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens,
the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to
encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is
drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from
your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about
three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his
back to you.
He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed
stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry.
This isn't usually the case.
As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide
to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
(Passed on from Michael in NZ)
Achtung alles lookenpeepers. Das computen machine is nicht fur
gefingerpoken und mitten grabben, Das easy schappen der springenwerk,
blowen fusen und poppen corken mit spitzen sparken. Is nicht fur gewerken
by das dumkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keep hands in das pockets,
relaxen und watch das blinken-lights.
Training at an earlier time
We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up
into teams, we would be re-organised. I was to learn later in life that we
tend to meet any new situation by re-organising, and a wonderful method it
can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion,
innefficiency, and demoralisation.
(Caius Petronius - AD.66)
In the beginning was the plan, and then came the assumptions, and the
assumptions were without form, and the plan was completely without
substance, and darkness was upon the faces of the Workers, and they spake
amongst themselves, saying: It is a crock of filth, and it stinketh! And
the Workers went to their Supervisors and sayeth unto them: It is a pail of
dung, and non may abide the odour thereof, and the Supervisors went to
their Managers, and sayeth unto them: It is a container of excrement and it
is very strong such as none may abide it. And the Managers went to their
Directors, and sayeth unto them: It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none
may abide its strength, and the Directors went to their Vice President and
sayeth: It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong. The
Vice President went unto the President, and sayeth unto him: It promoteth
growth, and it is very powerful. And the President went unto the Board of
Directors and sayeth unto them: This powerful new plan will actively
promote growth and efficiency of the department, and this area in
particular. And the Board looked at the plan, and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
The Philosopher ?
Some there are just sits and thinks, some there are just sits.
There are those who make things happen, and those who watch things happen,
and finally those who wonder what happened!
It's kind of fun to do the impossible - Walt Disney
There is one thing stronger than the whole world, and that is an idea
whose time has come - Victor Hugo
If you seriously insist, there is more on the next page
Top of Page
Last updated: September 30th, 1999.
This Page address: http://www.ldb.co.uk/ldb/humour.htm
Published by: Lichfield Data Base